Malevolent March…

Everything has been truculent against an entity I call myself... I’m having a hard time getting by it is as if I was given an evil eye from someone with intense hate and malice. Everything seems to go against me… The tides of destiny is shattering my will to take my own path to my own goal… it got my mind cogitating, should I give in and thread the path everyone wants me to go through? or should I go up against everyone and push through a venturesome life?

I remain uncertain….

My treacherous February is filled with mishaps… I’m literally a walking contoradiction… it reminds me of a song by A Perfect Circle named “Judith” the song goes something like:
You're such an inspiration for the ways
That I would never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How your savior has abandoned you
Fuck your God
Your Lord and your Christ
He did this
Took all you had and left you this way
Still you pray, you never stray never taste of the fruit
You never thought to question why
It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you...
...talk to Jesus Christ as if He knows the reasons why
He did it all for you.
sigh... we are but mortals who is weak and powerless against the massive waves of time. If there is a god up there I cant help but feel pacified for we are at the mercy of thier superior powers. Thus Im left to believe in myself rather than some ancient god.

Its been quite a while... A lot has happened this past 5 months some moments of laughter and I had some share of sheer torture my life has to offer… Im having a hard time starting up this entry because I think I'm getting rusty… I guess I’ll have to start over... So let me once again share what I thread upon... Let me share with you the thread that defines my existence…
and so it begins…..

Ei guys, its been a while since my last post… anyway I woke up today in a room of silence and all I could hear are the vibrating noise the old fan creates and for some reason the clock sounds very loud… so there I was lying in my bed… I was wide awake but I couldn’t move and all I could do was to look around and be engulfed in this tormenting sound thinking about my life… tic… tock… tic… tock… I felt helpless and thought, this is your life and its ending one second at a time…

Seconds then turn to minutes and as time pass, this strange pacifism started to fade… I sat up and light a cigarette… puffed away and although I could move, I was too deep to get out of the solitude inside my own mind… I watched the smoke of my cigar floating and slowly disappearing in to this desolate room… I am somewhat left forlorn… the feeling of being nearly hopeless… desperate… forsaken… what’s with this day?? I feel like my existence is fading away… what’s with me?? Its like having a void in my hollow frame… emptiness… this is probably the worst torture... the divine punishment… solitude can turn anyone to insanity… let me end this post with a quote then… as I was typing this last part I remembered some lines from a song by Smashing Pumpkins from the album Mellon Collie & The Infinite Sadness and it goes something like this…
“Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness

and cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me

Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness...”
-Zero by Smashing Pumpkins-

This is my workstation… my connection to you guys… I spend more than half of my day in front of this heavenly piece of technology. Though its really messy I like it… I’m always online and if you need me I’m online both in YM or MSN. Its just like what mr JAMIROQUAI said in one of his song..

"Futures made of virtual insanity now

Always seem to, be govern'd by this love we have

For useless, twisting, our new technology

Oh, now there is no sound - for we all live underground"

Sometimes it’s kinda freaky to think that I am to much attach to technology... we all are... without all our computers, our cell phones, and all our high tech gadgets what the hell will we do?? Though it’s easy to say "I could live without this useless crap..." try going out and avoid the convenience of modern technology... That’s gonna suck big time…

It’s funny that in this disgusting and smelly rotted rice I found beauty. In the midst of decay I found peaceful colors. This cold steel pot of decay had vast cotton like orange field which is complimented by some light and dark green colors... its hard to find beauty in decay but for some reason there it is… in the pot where negligence struck.. Some people might start thinking that I’m weird or even sick to be admiring this odd thing… well maybe I am weird... so what??

This is what happens when you stay up for almost a week...they say the average human sleeps through half of his/her life. maybe more.....Anyway I havent been sleeping because I was surfing the information super highway.. you do nothing but stare into the abyss.. you get all sorts of information you need and information you dont need.. The first three days are hell because you tend to get cranky.. you tend to get bored... but the succeeding days after that gets easier because your body adapts.. all you need are a tons of coffee or perhaps soda, a decent internet connection, an ashtray and several packs of smokes... now your all set.. I warn you though.. I wont be liable for any damages delt to you physically as well as mentally in your quest... Goodluck..

Today I've decided to create my blog.. Thanks to
my brother's desire to add another link in his divergent blog , I was given the PUSH
I needed.... So now I start off with words from the
MIGHTY Bz GODFATHER.... the One and only Carlo D.G. Biana. He gave me a phrase to start with which is "as the dim light fade..."
These simple yet complex set of words jammed together kept me thinking all day and what came to my mind was this phrase describes LIFE.. It is my life fading away every second.. expiring.. stepping closer to an inevitable death. The dim light represent my own life in the shadows for I live trying to hide from everyone trying to conceal myself behind my comrades... I lived my life in the background.. so now I invite you all to join me unravel the threads of my fate.......